14 years ago....

14 years ago I was a young, immature, nieve 19 year old, experiencing insane amounts of pain praying I would hurry the hell up and dilate enough to get an epidural. As this day comes to an end, that's the thoughts I remember about this day, this time 14 years ago, just a couple hours before my "Saving Angel" was born.

This morning was a different story..... I woke at 6:30 and anxiously raced down to Nakia's room to present her with her birthday presents. I was REALLY thrilled that she was thrilled with the DC sweatshirt/jackets I picked out for her on my own. (She usually frowns upon the clothes I choose for her.) After she was ready for school & waiting for the bus, I noticed my parents were on the Internet so I quickly got on and told them they would have to wish Nakia a happy birthday now because she was spending her birthday at her dad's house, and that's the moment the flood gates were opened and the tears came gushing out at their own free will & I could not stop them. Dad told me I could cry all I wanted to him, just don't let mom hear, she wouldn't be able to focus for days if she knew I was a wreck.

Maybe it's because I miss my Mom & Dad, or perhaps it's cuz I'm PMS, or the fact that I FINALLY weaned myself off those stupid chill pills after 8 years, any of these are legitimate excuses for being such an emotional wreck lately. But the fact of the matter is that I miss my angel baby.

I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday, just don't ask me what time she was born, how long she was or how much she weighed. It was after Ropers or Retrix closed for the night cuz Marlo & Ben Kidd made it back from dancing before I had her. She was in the 6 pound range and somewhere between 19 to 20 something inches long. Details have never really been my strong point. But I remember events, like begging my mother as she stared wide eyed and panic stricken at me for drugs, please drugs, any kind would do, I was not feeling particularly picky at the moment. I remember Dad driving like a maniac to the hospital, not because he was worried I would have her in the car if we didn't hurry and get there, but because he had a flat tire on the car and the air he put in it before leaving the house, out in the boonies, was slowly leaking out and he needed to get to Les Schwab before he ruined the rim.

Hunger, that is a vivid memory. I didn't eat that morning because we were going to Preston to our Gregersen family Christmas party, there are a lot of excellent cooks in my family, & I was craving some Christmas food so I was planning on being good and hungry. Unfortunately we didn't make it to Preston to gorge on festive foods, instead I was "checked" (just the beginning of the humiliation that comes with labor), hooked up to monitors & was graced with all the ice chips I wanted. Needless to say I was a little bent about that so when Chris & Jerry showed up 10 hours later, on their way home from the Christmas feast, I willingly scarfed down the 1/2 a snickers bar Chris offered. Good thing I ate it before Mom noticed, it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission sometimes. She scared me into regretting eating it though as she colorfully explained to me the reason they don't let you eat before you have the baby. Let's just say, If I did crap on the doctor, he didn't let on at all.

When I FINALLY did get the epidural it was such a relief that I took a nap & when I woke up I was scared it would wear off before I had her so I asked for another one. I was told "not a chance", they didn't even humor me.

Mom & Chris were in the delivery room with me and as I was pushing for hours and hours they were great support, but the second Nakia's head came out I was on my own. They were like a couple of school girls squealing about their first kiss! This was much cooler though, so I forgave them, eventually. Nakia's head was turned facing me & her eyes & mouth were closed. She peeked one eye open, looked at me (Aunt Chrissy claimed she looked at her) then let out the cutest, loudest squeal I've ever heard. After that it was all kind of a blur for the next few days. I was soooo tired. I was scared to be a mom & I was freaked out about the thought of nursing. I grew up on a dairy farm and in my mind cows gave milk, not me. The nurses said they wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I watched all the new mother videos. I couldn't stay awake thru the previews of them and after countless attempts I finally reassured them I was staying at my parents house & they had 7 children. I don't know if that's why they finally let me leave the hospital or if it's just because 4 days is too long these days to stay in the hospital "just to have a baby".

Being a new single new mom was quite the journey. I would use a full tub of wipes to change poopy diapers, my mom would wake me up in the middle of the night because she could hear Nakia crying from the other end of the house and I was in the same bed as her. My sisters & sis-in-law were worried I was going to put Nakia on top of the car and forget I put her there & drive away. (Silly girls, I couldn't even reach the top of the car) One time I even forgot what I named her. Nakia is not a very common name.

It has been a quick, fun, happy, stressful, heart wrenching, rewarding, painful, beautiful 14 years. I love being a mother and I love being Nakia's mother. I pray that the next 14 years are filled with as much success, love and happiness for her as the past 14 years have been, only better!

I love you, Nakia. No matter where you are or what you do you will always be my little angel.